Child Abuse Prevention Month: Building resilience in our children and ourselves

The good news is it can be learned!

Building resilience — the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats and/or significant sources of stress — can help us and our children manage stress, uncertainty, and feelings of anxiety. However, being resilient does not mean that we won't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common when we have suffered major trauma or personal loss, or even when we hear of someone else's trauma.

Resilience is not something we either have or don’t have. Developing and maintaining resiliency abilities is an ongoing process. It involves behaviors, thoughts and actions that can be learned over time. The following are tips to building resilience in children (and you):

1. We can become more resilient by changing how we think about challenges and adversity. View mistakes as teaching moments. Mistakes actually help develop problem-solving strategies.

2. Human attachment is one of the most important factors that builds resilience. Children would rather have your time than anything else, so play, read, and just being silly will show your child stability, support, and consistency of a caring adult.

3. Connection and a sense of belonging anchors us to each other. We all need to feel that we belong, so help your child find healthy ways of feeling connected – sports, clubs, music, otherwise they may seek out unhealthy ways to get this need met.

4. Promote development of children’s self-worth and encourage them to express an interest in life, take opportunities that are presented, and actively engage with others. Accept and love your child for WHO they are and NOT what you want them to be. Remember your children’s self- esteem is rooted in how YOU feel about them.

5. Keep things in perspective and maintain a hopeful outlook. Even when your child is facing very painful events, help him look at the situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Help him or her see that there is a future beyond the current situation and that the future can be good. An optimistic and positive outlook enables your child to see the good things in life and keep going even in the hardest times.

6. Help your child learn to recognize, label, and express different feelings in themselves and others. Have empathy by putting yourself in your child’s shoes. When you do, you can be more effective in modeling appropriate behavior and sensitivity to their feelings. Remember that behavior is communication, whether good or bad. Find out what is creating that behavior, “I noticed you’re angry, what is going on?” Validate their feelings by saying, “Are you feeling …. because …?” Your child will develop trust and respect if they feel understood.

7. Managing feelings is one of the most difficult skills for anyone to learn so teach your children different ways to calm down such as taking deep (belly) breathes, using positive self-talk, and asking for help when needed.

8. Your child wants structure in order to have a sense of ownership and control. Help your child see the difference between what they control and what is outside their control. Include your child in setting rules, chores, and expectations. Choices give your child power and you’ll see a more willing partner in your child to follow the rules.

9. Teach your child to set reasonable goals and then to move toward them one baby step at a time. Receiving praise for doing so will focus your child on what he or she has accomplished rather than on what hasn't been accomplished, and can help build the resilience to move forward in the face of challenges. At school, break down large assignments into small, achievable goals for younger children, and for older children, acknowledge accomplishments on the way to larger goals.

10. Take care of yourself. You are the most important model your child has and that’s a great skill to model!

If you would like more information on building resilience, please contact the El Dorado County Child Abuse Prevention Council.

The first article during Child Abuse Awareness Month - Child Abuse Prevention Month: Strong communities play a roll in preventing abuse

- El Dorado Child Abuse Prevention Council